I decided to write my first blog entry to provide just another perspective to the entry from L+D.

I practice medicine in a very educated affluent community where in general the parents wait until they are older to have children (they learned about birth control).  Many of my parents come from backgrounds which have expected perfection, intellect, hard work and from this they are the lucky ones who have found success in their areas of pursuit.  They skillfully planned, anticipated, and executed their goals to get where they are and have found comfort in their ability.

At some planned time, a couple here plans on having a child.  Sometimes this too comes relatively easy.  Other times maybe their years of birth control have worked too well, but they have the means and knowledge to get good fertility help so their lives can continue “as planned”.  Pregnancy progresses not too different from what they read in the book (the current most highly recommended book of course).  Weight gain is exactly 30lb.  Exercise plans and organic diets…check done.

Before the infant comes, they go to “birthing” classes and ”care of the newborn” classes.  They read books about the art of “raising a child” with topics ranging from breast feeding, to circumcise or not circumcise, teething, thumb sucking, sleep training, and potty training.  They read about the latest in SIDS, autism, and vaccines.  We regularly have expecting parents come interview us and visit our offices.  They visit the hospital once, if not twice, so they have the route memorized in case of panic.  The nursery is newly decorated with organic mattresses, video monitoring, top of the line convertible strollers, clothes organized by style, color, and size.  The car seat is inspected by the local police department to meet safety standards.  Accounts are created to start saving for college.  I think you get the point they are prepared.

The greatly anticipated day arrives.  Thankfully most of these babies are born healthy.  Everyone is so happy…right?

A few days/weeks later, things are no longer how they planned.  Nipples are sore and cracked.  Infants are hungry, crying, and pooping at unopportune times.  The house is a mess and going out with friends seem next to impossible.  For the first time in a long time, they are not in control and their plan is not working.  They see a problem (their infant crying) and don’t know how to fix it.  I just fed him 1 hr ago.  I’ve already changed 10 diapers.  It’s not too cold or hot…I don’t think?  Maybe he isn’t feeling well?  Maybe I didn’t burp him enough?  Maybe he is sick?  Maybe he needs to poop or has a lot of gas?  Maybe he is over tired?  Why can’t he sleep through the night?  Have I failed sleep training already?  He is too quiet.  Is he breathing?  With all these questions, worry, panic, and fatigue set in quickly.  The expectation of self and society to be the “perfect parent” sometimes becomes so overwhelming it paralyzes them.  One of my new mothers was crying in my exam room after I told her she had a beautiful healthy son saying, “I am so affraid to do something wrong.”

Of course this is not all of my parents, but this situation of planning, preparation, followed by helplessness is not uncommon in my community.  So who is to say that the young or the “older”, the educated or the uneducated make the “better parent”.

DrC