07
Jan
Why I am losing my love of Medicine
I have a nine month old daughter. She is amazing. I was never sure that I would marry or be a mother, but it has been the most precious gift that I could ever imagine. Soon after she was born, the thought of returning to my specialized pediatrics practice made me want to vomit. This little baby is entirely dependent on me, her mother, for survival, how could I ever leave her! And why did my boss (also a pediatrician) think I should return to work within 4 weeks?
8 short weeks later, I returned to the hospital to work. I would say that every 2-3 days in the months since I went back to work, I want to quit. I have lost my love of medicine. I just want to be with my baby.
Part of the problem is that my contract with the hospital is full-time. This means 65 hours per week (the new full-time in America). Even when I go home, medicine can be 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of patient care, research, staying up on current recommendations and new drugs and treatments. I used to want to be a good doctor. But it demands too much. Now I just want to be with my baby.
My typical days starts at 6 a.m. with the alarm waking me up to express breast milk for my daughter who will get up at 7 or 7:30. I am usually about ready to head to the hospital when she wakes up, so we take a few minutes to cuddle and sing songs. Then my husband takes care of her until he leaves for work at 10 am. Then the nanny takes care of her. Meanwhile I am working like crazy so I can try to finish up and get home by the time my girl gets up from the afternoon nap around 4. I don’t take a lunch, I don’t chat with coworkers, I just get the work done and express more breast milk for my sweet baby. And then come the golden hours. From 4-6:30 pm it is just me and my baby. We play games, sing songs, go for jogs and walks, read stories, have dinner, have bathtime and then bedtime. She is amazing and these 2.5 hours a day make up 98% of my happiness. Then once she is sleeping, I finish up work until my husband gets home around 9 pm.
We recently had a vacation for 10 days where I got to be with my daugther all day. In the same house with her for 24 hours a day. All of the naps, meals, games, and songs, I was there for. And now I know that the 2.5 hours I have with her each day, as amazingly fun as they are, are just the tip of the iceberg of being her mama. And I want more than my 2.5 hours with her.
So when my contract with my fancy world-renowned hospital comes up for renewal in a few months, I will not be signing it. What will I do instead? Whatever is enough to keep me licensed and give me a lot more time at home with my baby.
I am not throwing away my career- I just want a pause in the relentless pressure and endless demands of medicine so I can focus on my family for a few years. As a pediatrician I know these years are the most important in a child’s life.
Hopefully the Lord will help guide my path to find some sort of job that allows for balance. And hopefully the Lord has a plan of how I might use all of this specialized training I have piled up in the past 10 years since I started medicine. I used to love medicine because of the opportunity to help others. Maybe once I have time to focus on my family and a job that enhances my life instead of takes it over, my love of medicine will return.
Dr.C
Gwenevere Bland
Rearing children is a small moment in our lives. Especially for those that send their kids to school at the age of 6. Once we send our kids to school we and they keep the same bonding hours that you have with your little one. In the April 2008 General Conference Elder Ballard reminded mothers of the short time of influence we have with our children “the most formative time of all, the early years in a child’s life, represents less than one-tenth of a parent’s normal life. It is crucial to focus on our children for the short time we have them with us and to seek, with the help of the Lord, to teach them all we can before they leave our homes.” He also reminds us that we each have to make decisions based on our own circumstances.
As a mom who left her career behind to spend time teaching her children I will say, it’s tough, most the time, actually. Especially when they start talking and thinking on their own. However, when I worked I remember hating Sunday evening because it meant an end of my time and a return to the grind. Now that I’m home with my kids, no matter how bad the day seemed to be, I have NEVER hated getting up to face a new day in my current work. I love my job, no matter what the challenges are that I face. Plus I have an amazing boss. He understands me and my kids and is constantly showing me how to do things better. The pay is BAD but the job security is eternal.
Di
I remember sitting in a “Women in Medicine” lecture and the female pre-med students asking ‘can it be done?’ Basically, the question about being able to be a Physician and a Mother. The short answer then from the presenter who was both a Mother and a Physician (and her children and spouse were present) was YES. The long answer was YES, but.
I can completely appreciate what both Dr. C and Gwen have said – I think any person who loves their child would likely WANT to be around them. I also appreciate the statement about ‘not throwing away’ your career – because, let’s face it – spending a decade plus training to become a Physician offers an incredible opportunity for a lifetime. Taking a break from the relentless pressure is important – and I think many (both men and women) would agree that restructuring your life for different seasons is important.
I have so many thoughts, but I’m writing in between seeing patients. My final thought would be this: ‘please Gwen, who are you kidding? i know who the real ‘boss’ is at home!!’
Gwenevere Bland
Di!
I was talking about Heavenly Father…not Ryan!
I’m laughing quite heartily!, Thank you for that. Even those who don’t know us know that Ryan is NOT my boss! And as for breaks…Career-less Mom’s need breaks too. On Saturday I’m leaving for 10 days….and I can’t wait.
Also, ‘Throwing Away’…I agree with Di…every act we engage in creates a part of who we are. Throwing a career away by simply doing something else, holds as much logic as saying a chef is no longer a great cook because he left the restaurant to go sleep! We can me more than one thing. We can have more than one talent.
Di
I forgot to add that I was planning on leaving Medicine because ‘it took over my life’ (despite not having children) too. I even applied to consulting firms. But I found an incredible position with a fantastic schedule…and I have been able to spend time rediscovering my love for Medicine. I think you can find a position in this incredible profession that will enhance rather than overtake your life. I do.
Also, I have many great friends (whom I suspect I am more akin to than other friends) who work part-time because they found being at home with children full-time really dissatisfying (for multiple reasons). And I think it’s important to recognize the validation to feel that way AND find a solution. Of course, many of my friends also echo the feelings that Gwen mentioned. Dr.C, I’m sure you’ll find the right situation for you and your family – whatever that may be.
It’s interesting to me that our culture allows men or excuses men to be away from their children when their influence is equally important. At least, I believe a father’s influence is equal to a mother’s influence in necessity.
Di
o gwen i’m laughing so much! i reread your initial response and realized you probably meant God. sorry!!! my bad!!!
Ryan
Gwen,
I am the boss and I forbid you to respond to this bloggers material EVER again!
On a side note all very well said.
Andrea
Regarding part time jobs…if you find something a little more ideal but still aren’t satisfied, how about shifting your daughter’s sleep schedule? We started putting our daughter to bed at 8 or 8:30 when she was around 9 months old so I could have a little more time with her in the evenings. Granted, it sounds like you have a serious sleeper on your hands (6:30-7:30am is an impressive stretch of time), but maybe you could get her to sleep a little more during the day with her babysitter so she can stay up a little later at night?
Andrea
By the way though, I do know what you mean. I started medical school when my daughter was 10 months old, and am expecting another little girl in June. I don’t regret going into medicine or having children this early in the game (in some ways it is easier…I can stay home with my daughter when she’s sick without impinging on anyone else, for instance, though it is really hard when sick times coincide with both major exams and sickness on my part). But–especially with an infant–there is a big part of me that would really, really like to do it all. Certain aspects of how my dauther has spent her time away from me have always been *different* than I think they would have been with me…which is hard in some ways. I honestly do believe that she has gained more than she has lost from having a nanny with different strengths than myself last year, and being in daycare with spectacular teachers this year. Still, it is so difficult to know how much to be willing to let go. Especially with a baby under 1. And especially with finite resources. There is nothing wrong with feeling secure in the different decisions we make as parents and women passionate about our careers. But the terrain is complex and fraught with trade-offs. And it really is hard.
dalene
I appreciate your candor and the discussion here and I wish you well.
Kaedi
Ahhhh — such a great post. I can totally relate. Luckily hospitals are open 24-7, and moonlighting positions are a dime a dozen, right? Per diem shifts and moonlighting have allowed me to soak up every second with my daugther, AND keep my foot in the door (read: help pay bills).
bonnie
I feel your pain. I am not a doctor, but I have been in education for over 20 years. Throughout the years my four children were growing up, I worked all but one year. I love my career, feel as if I’m making a difference (I’m a curriculum supervisor–former French teacher). Nevertheless, in hindsight, the price I paid was too high.
My children (23,21,18 & 14) say that they didn’t mind going to day care and having nannies, but I CARE! I missed out on so much. Just recently they were talking about the way a day care provider mis-treated them, and I had no idea. She was a fellow Mormon mom and had a long-standing day care in her home.
These decisions are completely personal, but now that I’m looking forward to being a grandmother, I hope my kids will not follow in their mother’s footsteps.
Oh, and for the record, I am about as feminist as they come. You can have everything in life, but I wouldn’t try to have it all at once ever again.
Di
Bonnie, I really appreciate you sharing your experience! My mom was a working mom and even though my sisters and I didn’t mind our circumstances (much like your own children), I know my mom had some feelings about wanting to be at home.
The idea of our children being in the care of someone else and being mistreated – that is a genuine fear of my own. I’m sorry to hear your kids had to experience anything like it.
I agree – trying to have it all at one time may not actually work well. Everything has a season. I’m just curious – looking back, what would you do differently (not trying to pry). Did you work full-time always or were there part-time moments? One of the reasons I chose the field of Medicine I did was the flexibility in finding part-time work.
Thanks again for your thoughts!
Meg
I am a physician and a mom who thinks about quitting and staying home with my kids every day. I really feel my most important job is to be my children’s mother. I am lucky enough to have found part-time work only 2 days a week, but there are trade-offs. I am not working with the most ideal patient population and definitely suffer from burn-out. Its very scary to think of leaving medicine all together…any thoughts out there as to the real feasibility of getting a job after being away for 2 or 3 years?
runmicrogirl
Wow! what a great find. I am currently a stay at home mom of 3 kids (6, 4, & 10 mos.) but I have yearnings to go to medical school and be a doctor. As much as I believe in raising my children, I am in great need of intellectual stimulation and using my talents. I have most of the prereqs already for med school because of a microbiology degree (from 10 years ago), but I am so worried about leaving my children. Granted, my husband would rearrange his schedule to be home so we wouldn’t need a babysitter, but I still feel like I’d be trading or neglecting my role as their mother. From the comments posted here, I think I could prepare to be a doc but put it off so that I can at least get my youngest into kindergarten. Any insight?
Di
Hi Meg,
I found some info that might be interesting to you! Apparently the AAP is partnering with other fields in Medicine re: reentry into the workforce for MDs.
http://www.aap.org/sections/ypn/yp/work_life_balance/wip.html
http://www.aap.org/reentry/
RunMicroGirl,
Welcome! Glad you found our website and I hope you find inspiration to become a physician! There was/were a hand-full ‘non-traditional’ students in my med school (including 40+ women, some with kids some without) who found their way – why can’t you?
You voiced concerns about ‘leaving your children’ – depending on what your motivations and the support of your family – I have found that children only thrive more when they have a happy and fulfilled woman who is their Mother. I did not and still do not object to the fact that my own Mother found a unique path in life while balancing child-rearing with obtaining more education to find a profession (Computer Science). I only love and respect her more. i wish you the best!
Other informative sites:
Physician Profiles who work part-time or have flexible schedules